The Beginning

Honestly I hate my life most of the time. Not because I don't get enough attention from my family or good friends, it's just that I feel like I can't stop eating once I start munching on something, although I don't starve myself.

I used to be like super fat, and I didn't realize that. Last year until the middle of this year on June, I weighed around 150 pounds and I felt just okay because I've never really know how it's like to skinny in my whole life. My friends kept on telling me I looked fine so I didn't really bother about my weight loss or gain.

Then this life-changing thing happened. I went to the Netherlands with my friends for a conference and I literally didn't eat for days. I was way too excited and didn't even feel hungry at all. That time I was sitting on the public computer seat in the hostel and this friend told me, "Dang, you're skinnier!" I didn't realize anything at all.

After I got home I weighed myself and I dropped nearly 25 pounds to 128. I was so surprised when I saw my collarbones and spine kinda popping out. But it was literally the best feeling ever. I started to get compliments for my thinner figure. It was recognizable because I lost a lot of muscles and my face also looked more narrow. They say I looked like a chopstick since I'm quite tall for girls my age, 5 foot 8.

That is when it all started. I realized the need to keep on being skinny and forget all the food. I feel like I don't have to eat to survive and then I dropped my food intake to around 700 calories a day. It was quite extreme since I used to eat normally. I didn't eat white rice anymore, I skipped meals. My goal was to stay thin but I lost control and lost more weight until my lowest was nearly 121 pounds.

Laxatives helped me. Before I took it I would weigh around 124 then after it worked like a hurricane, for real, it made me feel way lighter. I keep on taking it since few days ago, until I was starting to see it made me binge more. I tried purging though but never succeeded. My eating disorder is revolving around being anorexic and kind of bulimic.

I'm being the slave of running on the treadmill. I can spend like everyday, every morning, running on that goddamned thing. I feel tired, sore, but I also feel like I have the need to be skinnier. I promised myself 4 days ago to stop taking laxatives and try eating healthy and take 1200 calories a day. But I'm failing right now.

I deserve to feel hungry. I deserve to feel the hunger pangs just to make me feel better. I'm not going back to taking laxatives if it's not needed, since my parents watch what I eat, and when I don't they yell at me, and I'm going to have the 300 calories a day plan for a week.