I couldn't stop taking in laxatives. I used to take 2 pills at first but now I just doubled the dose because I think it's not working. Fuck. I feel so worthless and like a failure. I've been eating a lot, I don't know if it can be called binging though, around 1300 calories today. I gained 2 pounds overnight. Fuck the scales. Fuck my fats. Fuck.
Yesterday I gone out with a friend and he told me I look like I weigh around 90 pounds. That's just insane! I wish I was 90 pounds though. And I told him I used to weigh like 150 and he was like, no way. He couldn't even believe I weigh 125 pounds because he said I look just fine and there's no way I'm that heavy but it's just the fucking ugly truth. I'm fat.
It's like whatever I eat will stay in my tummy and it hurts to feel it. It hurts me mentally though to feel food in my tummy but I just can't stop eating. I had potato casserole and I know, I know it's so good. I know. And I ate like 1 cup and a little bit more and it's packed with a lot of calories. Then I had a pretty big lunch and I hate myself for that.
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Laxatives Again and Again
In the end I fell back to the rabbit hole. It's the laxatives again and again. I usually take Dulcolax suppository tablets. It works well for me and the price is reasonable, although it's not safe to be taken daily. So the pack said I should take 2 a day but yesterday in the evening I took 3 and this morning I took another 2. I doubled it, yes.
Stomach cramps happened in the midnight and earlier in the morning after my daily basketball practice. It was super painful and I felt like pulling my stomach out of it's place. It hurts like hell but I think I deserve it. I've been eating a lot, I consider it as binging, for 3 days in a row in the weekend. Mostly around 1000 calories but I'll never know when I miscount or underestimate my intake.
It's around 1 in the afternoon I was planning to take a nap but since I've lost Internet connection from last night I'd get on Tumblr instead. I saw a lot of posts about eating disorders on my dashboard and it kills me inside that we live so far away and that we can't support each other in real.
Stomach cramps happened in the midnight and earlier in the morning after my daily basketball practice. It was super painful and I felt like pulling my stomach out of it's place. It hurts like hell but I think I deserve it. I've been eating a lot, I consider it as binging, for 3 days in a row in the weekend. Mostly around 1000 calories but I'll never know when I miscount or underestimate my intake.
It's around 1 in the afternoon I was planning to take a nap but since I've lost Internet connection from last night I'd get on Tumblr instead. I saw a lot of posts about eating disorders on my dashboard and it kills me inside that we live so far away and that we can't support each other in real.
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Looking Like A Toothpick, They Say
This afternoon I had lunch with my uncle and his family, and my grandparents. I really love my grans I don't want to disappoint them so I ate tiny bits of lunch and tried to avoid pork. I ate and I didn't want to feel guilty just for the sake of my day out with them. I have been busy with myself in these past few months and I really want to make today the best of their days with me.
Then my aunt looked at me like I'm something weird, or looking weird. And I asked her and she said I'm too skinny. I obviously said I'm not skinny enough, I need to lose 5 more pounds and my younger brother told me I have a mental illness. I took it as a joke in front of them but seriously?
I know I have an eating disorder but who the fuck cares? As long as I'm still skinny then I'd be happy. I just weighed myself after I had my shower and after eating like quarter a tall pack of Snappy popcorn and like 2 handfuls of shelled peanuts and I'm happy with the result.
As I've mentioned before I've been fasting for 2 days, not in a row, but yeah, and I tried to eat in smaller portions today and avoid heavy loads like meat, and I weigh 121.5 pounds. So I guess my normal weight if I didn't eat should be around 120.5 or 121 pounds at least.
I haven't bought myself the shoes but soon I will. And I guess I'm just going to choose basketball shoes instead, since my old ones are dying. My budget is around 40 bucks and I think it's going to be worth it for a 6 month use. After that, I'll be free from the practices. Fun.
Then my aunt looked at me like I'm something weird, or looking weird. And I asked her and she said I'm too skinny. I obviously said I'm not skinny enough, I need to lose 5 more pounds and my younger brother told me I have a mental illness. I took it as a joke in front of them but seriously?
I know I have an eating disorder but who the fuck cares? As long as I'm still skinny then I'd be happy. I just weighed myself after I had my shower and after eating like quarter a tall pack of Snappy popcorn and like 2 handfuls of shelled peanuts and I'm happy with the result.
As I've mentioned before I've been fasting for 2 days, not in a row, but yeah, and I tried to eat in smaller portions today and avoid heavy loads like meat, and I weigh 121.5 pounds. So I guess my normal weight if I didn't eat should be around 120.5 or 121 pounds at least.
I haven't bought myself the shoes but soon I will. And I guess I'm just going to choose basketball shoes instead, since my old ones are dying. My budget is around 40 bucks and I think it's going to be worth it for a 6 month use. After that, I'll be free from the practices. Fun.
Friday, December 14, 2012
Normal Intake Day
Why? Because I'm planning to nearly fast for 2 days in a row tomorrow. Since my parents will be gone in the weekend, I guess I can have a lot of reasons to eat less than 100 calories each day.
Anyway, today my caloric intake is normal, in fact I think it's more than expected. I thought it would be like 1500 calories but I realized it's going to be 2000 by the time I finish my dinner. I'm kinda feeling bad, but I know this is going to make me lose one pound by tomorrow. Well, most likely it.
If you eat a lot after your super low calorie diet, it's going to help you lose one more pound by the next day. I found out when I was in a strict 500 calorie diet for 2 weeks then binged for 2 days in a row and then I weighed myself, terrified of gaining weight, but I lost 1 pound instead.
I don't know if it's going to work this time but I'm sure I'll be just fine holding my hunger for 2 days in a row. In fact, I hope I won't feel hungry at all though with the help of my rubber bands. I'm hoping to lose one more pound on Monday before I start practicing basketball every single day in the week.
Anyway, today my caloric intake is normal, in fact I think it's more than expected. I thought it would be like 1500 calories but I realized it's going to be 2000 by the time I finish my dinner. I'm kinda feeling bad, but I know this is going to make me lose one pound by tomorrow. Well, most likely it.
If you eat a lot after your super low calorie diet, it's going to help you lose one more pound by the next day. I found out when I was in a strict 500 calorie diet for 2 weeks then binged for 2 days in a row and then I weighed myself, terrified of gaining weight, but I lost 1 pound instead.
I don't know if it's going to work this time but I'm sure I'll be just fine holding my hunger for 2 days in a row. In fact, I hope I won't feel hungry at all though with the help of my rubber bands. I'm hoping to lose one more pound on Monday before I start practicing basketball every single day in the week.
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Fasting
I've been fasting for many hours now, still the first day though. And not planning to fast tomorrow, since I've reached my first goal weight. I'm gonna try to keep it off the rest of these 2 weeks. Gonna still watch my caloric intake, and do more workout after I eat.
The technique where you have a rubber band on your wrist and snap it everytime you feel hungry works really well. It makes me think that hunger is pain and I really don't feel like eating at all. So far all I've had was half a cup of water to relieve thirst that doesn't really come often like usual. I didn't feel like eating at all although today I had Christmas celebrations at school.
I weighed myself earlier before I took a shower and I was so happy that I weighed 121.5 pounds. That's just so awesome. Then after I got dressed and weighed myself again, I hit 122.5. I wonder if it's because of the clothes or I just gain weight by walking to my parent's room. I was wearing sweatpants and shirt though.
Why do people have to tell me I'm getting skinnier or I'm too skinny? Are they jealous? Fuck you. Stop telling me what to do, what to eat, what to think about myself. I know what I really am and how I really look like. Don't even try to get into my thing. Fuck off.
The technique where you have a rubber band on your wrist and snap it everytime you feel hungry works really well. It makes me think that hunger is pain and I really don't feel like eating at all. So far all I've had was half a cup of water to relieve thirst that doesn't really come often like usual. I didn't feel like eating at all although today I had Christmas celebrations at school.
I weighed myself earlier before I took a shower and I was so happy that I weighed 121.5 pounds. That's just so awesome. Then after I got dressed and weighed myself again, I hit 122.5. I wonder if it's because of the clothes or I just gain weight by walking to my parent's room. I was wearing sweatpants and shirt though.
Why do people have to tell me I'm getting skinnier or I'm too skinny? Are they jealous? Fuck you. Stop telling me what to do, what to eat, what to think about myself. I know what I really am and how I really look like. Don't even try to get into my thing. Fuck off.
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Fuck You French Fries!
Basically, I ruined my diet today. Fuck it. I hate myself. I feel like these french fries are gonna turn to fat overnight, and it will be dead hard to burn it off. It's like once I start eating, I can't stop. Fuck. Why did I even have to start eating a bite in the first place?
Such a failure. I've been good until school was over but then the Student Council Organization held a Christmas Celebration for Ground Staff. It was a huge success, I have to admit. But a huge failure to me. I ate like 50 sticks of french fries with 245 calories in total.
So my total calorie intake for today is 483 calories, with light exercises around 238 calories. I honestly don't care how much is the net calorie or how much I exercise. I only care about my intake. It has to be less than 300. I ruined it. I'm such a fat faggot. Look at the mirror and all I see is fat.
I don't know if it's a blessing or what, I can never purge. Regardless how much I eat or drink, I can never purge. I did take laxatives, but I realized it has done quite nothing for me but the constipation relieve that can actually lead to prolonged constipation problem. Trying to hold your hunger is way easier and more effective than using laxatives.
Okay. An update. Fuck. I'm eating 2 pieces of this traditional pie. I can't stop now because it's literally my last chance to eat today. And tomorrow. And possibly the day after. I raised my calorie intake to 585 for the day. Fuck my life. Fast tomorrow.
Such a failure. I've been good until school was over but then the Student Council Organization held a Christmas Celebration for Ground Staff. It was a huge success, I have to admit. But a huge failure to me. I ate like 50 sticks of french fries with 245 calories in total.
So my total calorie intake for today is 483 calories, with light exercises around 238 calories. I honestly don't care how much is the net calorie or how much I exercise. I only care about my intake. It has to be less than 300. I ruined it. I'm such a fat faggot. Look at the mirror and all I see is fat.
I don't know if it's a blessing or what, I can never purge. Regardless how much I eat or drink, I can never purge. I did take laxatives, but I realized it has done quite nothing for me but the constipation relieve that can actually lead to prolonged constipation problem. Trying to hold your hunger is way easier and more effective than using laxatives.
Okay. An update. Fuck. I'm eating 2 pieces of this traditional pie. I can't stop now because it's literally my last chance to eat today. And tomorrow. And possibly the day after. I raised my calorie intake to 585 for the day. Fuck my life. Fast tomorrow.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Progress
It's the second day and I feel like I'm fine. I think I kinda cheated on some intakes, like I didn't count grapes because they're fruits. And fruits don't make you fat. I had a really boring day and I felt fatigued the whole time.
So today I had to skip my half portion of hard bread for lunch because I ate few bites of french fries. But I think it's fait enough since I kinda replaced my carbs and fat intake on quite the same calories. But still I'm feeling fat all over my tummy with the french fries being digested. Ew.
My total caloric intake today roughly is 261. I have a deficit of 1240 calories and I weighed myself earlier and the scale shows a pretty good result. I'm dropping to 123.5 pounds right now, one step closer to my goal weight, 122 pounds.
I realized I can lose 1 pound in 2 days by being good, not depriving myself but still keeping everything really low and make water as my company everywhere I go. I finish one cup of water everytime I eat no matter if it's lunch or snack, a piece of bread or half piece of bread, I always try to make myself feel fuller and eat slower.
Earlier I just set my mindset, if I'm going to run in the morning, I don't need breakfast to speed up my metabolism. If I don't run in the morning, usually because I'm going to have basketball training in the evening, then I'll have breakfast like coffee and something light to jump start my morning and burn more calories the whole day.
I think I can knock 122 pounds down by Friday morning. I want to lose it earlier though, but since I know I'm going to have a lot of day-offs afterwards, I think I'll be fine with losing slowly. As long as I don't gain weight, everything should be alright.
So today I had to skip my half portion of hard bread for lunch because I ate few bites of french fries. But I think it's fait enough since I kinda replaced my carbs and fat intake on quite the same calories. But still I'm feeling fat all over my tummy with the french fries being digested. Ew.
My total caloric intake today roughly is 261. I have a deficit of 1240 calories and I weighed myself earlier and the scale shows a pretty good result. I'm dropping to 123.5 pounds right now, one step closer to my goal weight, 122 pounds.
I realized I can lose 1 pound in 2 days by being good, not depriving myself but still keeping everything really low and make water as my company everywhere I go. I finish one cup of water everytime I eat no matter if it's lunch or snack, a piece of bread or half piece of bread, I always try to make myself feel fuller and eat slower.
Earlier I just set my mindset, if I'm going to run in the morning, I don't need breakfast to speed up my metabolism. If I don't run in the morning, usually because I'm going to have basketball training in the evening, then I'll have breakfast like coffee and something light to jump start my morning and burn more calories the whole day.
I think I can knock 122 pounds down by Friday morning. I want to lose it earlier though, but since I know I'm going to have a lot of day-offs afterwards, I think I'll be fine with losing slowly. As long as I don't gain weight, everything should be alright.
Monday, December 10, 2012
300 Calorie Diet
This is the first day of my 300 calorie diet for the week towards my first goal weight, 122 pounds. Actually I've got like 2 weeks before the due date but I might want to start now, just in case I have to eat in the first few days before I leave for Christmas break.
I hate it that my parents always check on my foods. That's why I got to be very sneaky in acting like I've eaten a lot and I don't need too much food for lunch. I can't help but to drink a cup of coffee with one creamer and two sugar every morning, to give me the full feeling before the break at school.
Basically my intake will be distributed more for lunch, since I divide my lunch into 2 sections. One for each break once in 3 hours. And I drink a lot of water to make myself fuller with less solid food portion.
I also do at least 30 minutes of running when I have nothing to do the whole day but school, and basketball three times a week, burning around 600 calories per session. I think it helps a lot in lean muscle building and fat burning.
What I had today was a little more than expected. I thought this one hard bread only have 80 calories per piece but actually it was 150. I saved 80 calories though just in case I had it all wrong, and for today my total caloric intake will be 288. I ate 5 pieces of shelled dry roasted peanuts in the last minute. Fuck. I have 1500 calories remaining for today, so I should lose 1 pound by tomorrow or the day after.
I hate it that my parents always check on my foods. That's why I got to be very sneaky in acting like I've eaten a lot and I don't need too much food for lunch. I can't help but to drink a cup of coffee with one creamer and two sugar every morning, to give me the full feeling before the break at school.
Basically my intake will be distributed more for lunch, since I divide my lunch into 2 sections. One for each break once in 3 hours. And I drink a lot of water to make myself fuller with less solid food portion.
I also do at least 30 minutes of running when I have nothing to do the whole day but school, and basketball three times a week, burning around 600 calories per session. I think it helps a lot in lean muscle building and fat burning.
What I had today was a little more than expected. I thought this one hard bread only have 80 calories per piece but actually it was 150. I saved 80 calories though just in case I had it all wrong, and for today my total caloric intake will be 288. I ate 5 pieces of shelled dry roasted peanuts in the last minute. Fuck. I have 1500 calories remaining for today, so I should lose 1 pound by tomorrow or the day after.
Sunday, December 9, 2012
The Beginning
Honestly I hate my life most of the time. Not because I don't get enough attention from my family or good friends, it's just that I feel like I can't stop eating once I start munching on something, although I don't starve myself.
I used to be like super fat, and I didn't realize that. Last year until the middle of this year on June, I weighed around 150 pounds and I felt just okay because I've never really know how it's like to skinny in my whole life. My friends kept on telling me I looked fine so I didn't really bother about my weight loss or gain.
Then this life-changing thing happened. I went to the Netherlands with my friends for a conference and I literally didn't eat for days. I was way too excited and didn't even feel hungry at all. That time I was sitting on the public computer seat in the hostel and this friend told me, "Dang, you're skinnier!" I didn't realize anything at all.
After I got home I weighed myself and I dropped nearly 25 pounds to 128. I was so surprised when I saw my collarbones and spine kinda popping out. But it was literally the best feeling ever. I started to get compliments for my thinner figure. It was recognizable because I lost a lot of muscles and my face also looked more narrow. They say I looked like a chopstick since I'm quite tall for girls my age, 5 foot 8.
That is when it all started. I realized the need to keep on being skinny and forget all the food. I feel like I don't have to eat to survive and then I dropped my food intake to around 700 calories a day. It was quite extreme since I used to eat normally. I didn't eat white rice anymore, I skipped meals. My goal was to stay thin but I lost control and lost more weight until my lowest was nearly 121 pounds.
Laxatives helped me. Before I took it I would weigh around 124 then after it worked like a hurricane, for real, it made me feel way lighter. I keep on taking it since few days ago, until I was starting to see it made me binge more. I tried purging though but never succeeded. My eating disorder is revolving around being anorexic and kind of bulimic.
I'm being the slave of running on the treadmill. I can spend like everyday, every morning, running on that goddamned thing. I feel tired, sore, but I also feel like I have the need to be skinnier. I promised myself 4 days ago to stop taking laxatives and try eating healthy and take 1200 calories a day. But I'm failing right now.
I deserve to feel hungry. I deserve to feel the hunger pangs just to make me feel better. I'm not going back to taking laxatives if it's not needed, since my parents watch what I eat, and when I don't they yell at me, and I'm going to have the 300 calories a day plan for a week.
I used to be like super fat, and I didn't realize that. Last year until the middle of this year on June, I weighed around 150 pounds and I felt just okay because I've never really know how it's like to skinny in my whole life. My friends kept on telling me I looked fine so I didn't really bother about my weight loss or gain.
Then this life-changing thing happened. I went to the Netherlands with my friends for a conference and I literally didn't eat for days. I was way too excited and didn't even feel hungry at all. That time I was sitting on the public computer seat in the hostel and this friend told me, "Dang, you're skinnier!" I didn't realize anything at all.
After I got home I weighed myself and I dropped nearly 25 pounds to 128. I was so surprised when I saw my collarbones and spine kinda popping out. But it was literally the best feeling ever. I started to get compliments for my thinner figure. It was recognizable because I lost a lot of muscles and my face also looked more narrow. They say I looked like a chopstick since I'm quite tall for girls my age, 5 foot 8.
That is when it all started. I realized the need to keep on being skinny and forget all the food. I feel like I don't have to eat to survive and then I dropped my food intake to around 700 calories a day. It was quite extreme since I used to eat normally. I didn't eat white rice anymore, I skipped meals. My goal was to stay thin but I lost control and lost more weight until my lowest was nearly 121 pounds.
Laxatives helped me. Before I took it I would weigh around 124 then after it worked like a hurricane, for real, it made me feel way lighter. I keep on taking it since few days ago, until I was starting to see it made me binge more. I tried purging though but never succeeded. My eating disorder is revolving around being anorexic and kind of bulimic.
I'm being the slave of running on the treadmill. I can spend like everyday, every morning, running on that goddamned thing. I feel tired, sore, but I also feel like I have the need to be skinnier. I promised myself 4 days ago to stop taking laxatives and try eating healthy and take 1200 calories a day. But I'm failing right now.
I deserve to feel hungry. I deserve to feel the hunger pangs just to make me feel better. I'm not going back to taking laxatives if it's not needed, since my parents watch what I eat, and when I don't they yell at me, and I'm going to have the 300 calories a day plan for a week.
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