I'm back from holiday. I got home yesterday afternoon and had a binge session for the "closing" of my holiday craze. I had like a lot of calories everyday, nearly 1200 each day and didn't really work out at all.
I noticed I got fatter in my relatives' mirrors. But when I got home I barely notice anything but my bulging lower tummy because of my period. I thought it should be fine by me since I can do nothing about it. But yeah, manipulative mirrors depressed me.
To be honest, I don't really know who I am anymore. Everybody says I look sick or too skinny. Like a kid with malnutrition. I felt good in a way but I don't feel like I look sick though.
I had diarrhea in the second or third day of my vacation and it wasn't good at all. I abused the laxatives, tripled the dose in a day. I felt super thin but then my family told me to eat more and shoved food down my throat and I couldn't do nothing.
I thought I would have gained so much weight but no, I only gained 2 pounds yesterday and then I went running and power walking on the treadmill for 50 minutes and today, after I woke up and ate watermelons, I weigh 1 pound less. I had to stop running because my back ankle skin was chafed, both of them.
Anyway. I know I've lost myself in the shadows of anorexia and bulimia tendencies. But fuck it. I'm still fat. I'm 122.7 pounds now. Before the holiday I was 121.6. Gotta eat clean, maximum of 800 calories a day. No cheat day. Self-control. Remember that.
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