Lowest Weight Ever!

Geez! I'm so excited! Well right now I'm posting this just to keep myself busy and not caring about the hunger pangs. But yeah, I'm very happy right now. This morning I weighed myself and I'm down by 2 pounds in 4 days, by restricting my intake to 500 calories a day.

It was meant to be a smart restriction, not deprivation. So I eat like everything I like, usually fruits and breads though, in moderation. My plan works really well. And I don't feel sick at all, just lightheaded sometime. Overall I'm fine.

So my current weight is 119 and I've lost the 2 pounds I gained in the holiday, and another 2 pounds towards my UGW, 110 pounds. I don't know if I'd ever hit that but we can always try, right?

Christmas Weight Gain

I'm back from holiday. I got home yesterday afternoon and had a binge session for the "closing" of my holiday craze. I had like a lot of calories everyday, nearly 1200 each day and didn't really work out at all.

I noticed I got fatter in my relatives' mirrors. But when I got home I barely notice anything but my bulging lower tummy because of my period. I thought it should be fine by me since I can do nothing about it. But yeah, manipulative mirrors depressed me.

To be honest, I don't really know who I am anymore. Everybody says I look sick or too skinny. Like a kid with malnutrition. I felt good in a way but I don't feel like I look sick though.

I had diarrhea in the second or third day of my vacation and it wasn't good at all. I abused the laxatives, tripled the dose in a day. I felt super thin but then my family told me to eat more and shoved food down my throat and I couldn't do nothing.

I thought I would have gained so much weight but no, I only gained 2 pounds yesterday and then I went running and power walking on the treadmill for 50 minutes and today, after I woke up and ate watermelons, I weigh 1 pound less. I had to stop running because my back ankle skin was chafed, both of them.

Anyway. I know I've lost myself in the shadows of anorexia and bulimia tendencies. But fuck it. I'm still fat. I'm 122.7 pounds now. Before the holiday I was 121.6. Gotta eat clean, maximum of 800 calories a day. No cheat day. Self-control. Remember that.

Binge Eating Takes Place

I couldn't stop taking in laxatives. I used to take 2 pills at first but now I just doubled the dose because I think it's not working. Fuck. I feel so worthless and like a failure. I've been eating a lot, I don't know if it can be called binging though, around 1300 calories today. I gained 2 pounds overnight. Fuck the scales. Fuck my fats. Fuck.

Yesterday I gone out with a friend and he told me I look like I weigh around 90 pounds. That's just insane! I wish I was 90 pounds though. And I told him I used to weigh like 150 and he was like, no way. He couldn't even believe I weigh 125 pounds because he said I look just fine and there's no way I'm that heavy but it's just the fucking ugly truth. I'm fat.

It's like whatever I eat will stay in my tummy and it hurts to feel it. It hurts me mentally though to feel food in my tummy but I just can't stop eating. I had potato casserole and I know, I know it's so good. I know. And I ate like 1 cup and a little bit more and it's packed with a lot of calories. Then I had a pretty big lunch and I hate myself for that.

Laxatives Again and Again

In the end I fell back to the rabbit hole. It's the laxatives again and again. I usually take Dulcolax suppository tablets. It works well for me and the price is reasonable, although it's not safe to be taken daily. So the pack said I should take 2 a day but yesterday in the evening I took 3 and this morning I took another 2. I doubled it, yes.

Stomach cramps happened in the midnight and earlier in the morning after my daily basketball practice. It was super painful and I felt like pulling my stomach out of it's place. It hurts like hell but I think I deserve it. I've been eating a lot, I consider it as binging, for 3 days in a row in the weekend. Mostly around 1000 calories but I'll never know when I miscount or underestimate my intake.

It's around 1 in the afternoon I was planning to take a nap but since I've lost Internet connection from last night I'd get on Tumblr instead. I saw a lot of posts about eating disorders on my dashboard and it kills me inside that we live so far away and that we can't support each other in real.

Looking Like A Toothpick, They Say

This afternoon I had lunch with my uncle and his family, and my grandparents. I really love my grans I don't want to disappoint them so I ate tiny bits of lunch and tried to avoid pork. I ate and I didn't want to feel guilty just for the sake of my day out with them. I have been busy with myself in these past few months and I really want to make today the best of their days with me.

Then my aunt looked at me like I'm something weird, or looking weird. And I asked her and she said I'm too skinny. I obviously said I'm not skinny enough, I need to lose 5 more pounds and my younger brother told me I have a mental illness. I took it as a joke in front of them but seriously?

I know I have an eating disorder but who the fuck cares? As long as I'm still skinny then I'd be happy. I just weighed myself after I had my shower and after eating like quarter a tall pack of Snappy popcorn and like 2 handfuls of shelled peanuts and I'm happy with the result.

As I've mentioned before I've been fasting for 2 days, not in a row, but yeah, and I tried to eat in smaller portions today and avoid heavy loads like meat, and I weigh 121.5 pounds. So I guess my normal weight if I didn't eat should be around 120.5 or 121 pounds at least.

I haven't bought myself the shoes but soon I will. And I guess I'm just going to choose basketball shoes instead, since my old ones are dying. My budget is around 40 bucks and I think it's going to be worth it for a 6 month use. After that, I'll be free from the practices. Fun.