Compulsive Eating Disorder

This is crazy. I've only left this blog for couple weeks, or months, but I've gained so much. Like right now I probably weigh nearly 130. I don't dare to get on the scales lately. I've been dealing with compulsive eating disorder, and yes, I'm fucking losing Ana. I miss her.

Shitty days have passed. Tomorrow I'm going to do a 5 and a half days fast at least. I promised I'm going to Skype my crush next weekend. I have to be skinny by then. Plus my whole family will be gone so I can starve and shit, and reach 110 when they got home. I have to lose this excess 20 pounds in 2 weeks. Not sure if I can do that though but fuck it, whatever it takes.

I used to have the flat stomach but now I have thunder thighs, arms, stomach, face. Everything! I swear I'm losing at least 10 pounds next week. I don't get depressed, I'm not happy, I'm just basically numb.

I've been working out but I don't want to make muscle mass. Both fat and muscles are just nightmares. And I realized I can't rant all the time and eat at the same time too. This is hell. Seriously.

Completed 100+ Hours Water Fasting

Haven't been around in quite a little while because been busy with school and Tumblr, and also enjoyed companies on Twitter. I also have a journal. It's basically about my eating disorder journey. I don't know if I should recover now since I have the chance to do so, while I'm breaking my fast.

So I've been fasting for 4 and a half days now. It feels really good to have control over food. But now I'm feeling so weak in my bed. I can barely do things quickly. I have to walk slowly, I can barely jump and run, I have minor blackouts throughout the day. I feel lightheaded and cold all the time. But that's self-control, right?

Today I'm going to break my fast and I've got my meal plan recorded for the whole week already. Currently I hope I'll weigh 113 but if not then 114 should be fine, I guess :L