Changed Domain c:

Guys, I changed my domain from thesebeautifulbones.blogspot.com to fractured-dandelion.blogspot.com.

But still if you want to contact me via email, I have the same address, thinfragile@gmail.com. Always open to talk to anyone about anything.

x

Good Day Today!

This morning I woke up too early, but I managed to sleep a little bit more and woke up at 9.20ish. I wanted to have a little breakfast and I ended up choosing Activia mixed berry and actually felt full the whole day! I got on the scales, and it didn't change since yesterday.

Then I decided I would go on the treadmill to power walk since I have no energy to run. I get dizzy and have the lightheaded and cold feeling all the time. Last night I even snuggled up like a polar bear with thick pajamas so I can sleep well. I've been waking up at 2am these few days cos I got super cold at night :( I burned around 200 calories, still didn't lose weight.

In the afternoon, after I threw my lunch away, I was feeling so good so I got a haircut :) Cos my hair was so long and messy and yeah. I haven't been to the hair salon in so long cause of my anxiety! Finally today I went to the mall and got a haircut there.

I went walking a lot though! I was looking for a coffee maker but decided to ask Mom's permission to buy it tonight, or tomorrow. I'm so scared that tomorrow I will gain weight cos it's gonna be my Dad's birthday celebration :( And I also went to the supermarket. I got myself a can of beer, a litre of skimmed milk (80 calories per 250ml serving!) and a good hairspray, also chocolate coffee packets for 100 calories per serving. I got 5 packets. I'm sure I will barely drink it since the calories is so high.

Then I got home, and I drank my coffee, worth 25 calories, cos I had to drive my brother to his band practice. And I got home againnnn, and finally lost 1 pound! Wee! :D

So yep. That's why I'm happy.

Over My BED!

Here's a quick post before I drive off to my friend's farewell dinner, which means I'll have to eat something else beside apples. But anyway! I'm so happy!

I'M OVER MY BINGE EATING DISORDER!

This is crazy! I've never thought I'd done so good these 3.5 days. And I'm about to go to this Italian restaurant. I hope she has salad though. I've eaten less than I usually ate and worked out on Monday and Tuesday. I will probably swim or run or take a walk tomorrow after I get my energy drinks.

My only struggle right now is that, should I take lax or not?

Sick

I'm feeling so sick today. I slept for 11 hours straight from 4am to 3pm. Skipped breakfast though but ate lunch like a pig.
The last night I didn't eat anything after dinner. Which is good.
And I saw some pictures of myself when I was skinnier. And got really depressed and went crying for hours :(
I can't take it anymore.

Sometimes I feel like jumping off a bridge and get hit by a train or car is the best thing to do. No one here to support me. My mom keeps on pressuring me about food.
Although she gives me chocolates then yell at me the next day after I ate them. All. Of course.
She has no idea about eating disorders. All she knows is that I do fad diets and that's it.

I just got back from 2 vacations. The first one was to the US, and I lost quite a lot from that and I was happy. I went there alone so no one to tell me to eat. So I starved. I did really well.
My second vacation was to Australia with my whole family. It was, awful.
I are every single meal. Every. Single. Shit. A lot of calories. Plus the snacks.
I gained 4 pounds in 10 days.

What I need to do now is lose at least 4 pounds next week. And keep going with losing 2-3 pounds the next 8 weeks before my meeting with my friend from America.

Support buddies? Email at thinfragile@gmail.com x

We can do this.

Tumblr Deleted! ;o

Due to the content of my Tumblr, it was deleted. I hate it that I didn't get to reply to my messages. Urgh! It's thesickhedgehog-personalprogress.tumblr.com. Gone now :l

Anyway, I'm struggling with mia and gained 10 pounds to 130 now.

If you're interested in talking to me, just email me at thinfragile@gmail.com

Yes, I changed my email. Not using the old one anymore.

Hope to hear from y'all soon!

I'm Back

Hi, just haven't been here in so long. Struggling with depression and various eating disorder. So glad I'm back on track now though.

I'm barely replying comments though so if you need to talk just hit me up through email, thesickhedgehog@gmail.com.

Compulsive Eating Disorder

This is crazy. I've only left this blog for couple weeks, or months, but I've gained so much. Like right now I probably weigh nearly 130. I don't dare to get on the scales lately. I've been dealing with compulsive eating disorder, and yes, I'm fucking losing Ana. I miss her.

Shitty days have passed. Tomorrow I'm going to do a 5 and a half days fast at least. I promised I'm going to Skype my crush next weekend. I have to be skinny by then. Plus my whole family will be gone so I can starve and shit, and reach 110 when they got home. I have to lose this excess 20 pounds in 2 weeks. Not sure if I can do that though but fuck it, whatever it takes.

I used to have the flat stomach but now I have thunder thighs, arms, stomach, face. Everything! I swear I'm losing at least 10 pounds next week. I don't get depressed, I'm not happy, I'm just basically numb.

I've been working out but I don't want to make muscle mass. Both fat and muscles are just nightmares. And I realized I can't rant all the time and eat at the same time too. This is hell. Seriously.

Completed 100+ Hours Water Fasting

Haven't been around in quite a little while because been busy with school and Tumblr, and also enjoyed companies on Twitter. I also have a journal. It's basically about my eating disorder journey. I don't know if I should recover now since I have the chance to do so, while I'm breaking my fast.

So I've been fasting for 4 and a half days now. It feels really good to have control over food. But now I'm feeling so weak in my bed. I can barely do things quickly. I have to walk slowly, I can barely jump and run, I have minor blackouts throughout the day. I feel lightheaded and cold all the time. But that's self-control, right?

Today I'm going to break my fast and I've got my meal plan recorded for the whole week already. Currently I hope I'll weigh 113 but if not then 114 should be fine, I guess :L

Lowest Weight Ever!

Geez! I'm so excited! Well right now I'm posting this just to keep myself busy and not caring about the hunger pangs. But yeah, I'm very happy right now. This morning I weighed myself and I'm down by 2 pounds in 4 days, by restricting my intake to 500 calories a day.

It was meant to be a smart restriction, not deprivation. So I eat like everything I like, usually fruits and breads though, in moderation. My plan works really well. And I don't feel sick at all, just lightheaded sometime. Overall I'm fine.

So my current weight is 119 and I've lost the 2 pounds I gained in the holiday, and another 2 pounds towards my UGW, 110 pounds. I don't know if I'd ever hit that but we can always try, right?

Christmas Weight Gain

I'm back from holiday. I got home yesterday afternoon and had a binge session for the "closing" of my holiday craze. I had like a lot of calories everyday, nearly 1200 each day and didn't really work out at all.

I noticed I got fatter in my relatives' mirrors. But when I got home I barely notice anything but my bulging lower tummy because of my period. I thought it should be fine by me since I can do nothing about it. But yeah, manipulative mirrors depressed me.

To be honest, I don't really know who I am anymore. Everybody says I look sick or too skinny. Like a kid with malnutrition. I felt good in a way but I don't feel like I look sick though.

I had diarrhea in the second or third day of my vacation and it wasn't good at all. I abused the laxatives, tripled the dose in a day. I felt super thin but then my family told me to eat more and shoved food down my throat and I couldn't do nothing.

I thought I would have gained so much weight but no, I only gained 2 pounds yesterday and then I went running and power walking on the treadmill for 50 minutes and today, after I woke up and ate watermelons, I weigh 1 pound less. I had to stop running because my back ankle skin was chafed, both of them.

Anyway. I know I've lost myself in the shadows of anorexia and bulimia tendencies. But fuck it. I'm still fat. I'm 122.7 pounds now. Before the holiday I was 121.6. Gotta eat clean, maximum of 800 calories a day. No cheat day. Self-control. Remember that.

Binge Eating Takes Place

I couldn't stop taking in laxatives. I used to take 2 pills at first but now I just doubled the dose because I think it's not working. Fuck. I feel so worthless and like a failure. I've been eating a lot, I don't know if it can be called binging though, around 1300 calories today. I gained 2 pounds overnight. Fuck the scales. Fuck my fats. Fuck.

Yesterday I gone out with a friend and he told me I look like I weigh around 90 pounds. That's just insane! I wish I was 90 pounds though. And I told him I used to weigh like 150 and he was like, no way. He couldn't even believe I weigh 125 pounds because he said I look just fine and there's no way I'm that heavy but it's just the fucking ugly truth. I'm fat.

It's like whatever I eat will stay in my tummy and it hurts to feel it. It hurts me mentally though to feel food in my tummy but I just can't stop eating. I had potato casserole and I know, I know it's so good. I know. And I ate like 1 cup and a little bit more and it's packed with a lot of calories. Then I had a pretty big lunch and I hate myself for that.

Laxatives Again and Again

In the end I fell back to the rabbit hole. It's the laxatives again and again. I usually take Dulcolax suppository tablets. It works well for me and the price is reasonable, although it's not safe to be taken daily. So the pack said I should take 2 a day but yesterday in the evening I took 3 and this morning I took another 2. I doubled it, yes.

Stomach cramps happened in the midnight and earlier in the morning after my daily basketball practice. It was super painful and I felt like pulling my stomach out of it's place. It hurts like hell but I think I deserve it. I've been eating a lot, I consider it as binging, for 3 days in a row in the weekend. Mostly around 1000 calories but I'll never know when I miscount or underestimate my intake.

It's around 1 in the afternoon I was planning to take a nap but since I've lost Internet connection from last night I'd get on Tumblr instead. I saw a lot of posts about eating disorders on my dashboard and it kills me inside that we live so far away and that we can't support each other in real.

Looking Like A Toothpick, They Say

This afternoon I had lunch with my uncle and his family, and my grandparents. I really love my grans I don't want to disappoint them so I ate tiny bits of lunch and tried to avoid pork. I ate and I didn't want to feel guilty just for the sake of my day out with them. I have been busy with myself in these past few months and I really want to make today the best of their days with me.

Then my aunt looked at me like I'm something weird, or looking weird. And I asked her and she said I'm too skinny. I obviously said I'm not skinny enough, I need to lose 5 more pounds and my younger brother told me I have a mental illness. I took it as a joke in front of them but seriously?

I know I have an eating disorder but who the fuck cares? As long as I'm still skinny then I'd be happy. I just weighed myself after I had my shower and after eating like quarter a tall pack of Snappy popcorn and like 2 handfuls of shelled peanuts and I'm happy with the result.

As I've mentioned before I've been fasting for 2 days, not in a row, but yeah, and I tried to eat in smaller portions today and avoid heavy loads like meat, and I weigh 121.5 pounds. So I guess my normal weight if I didn't eat should be around 120.5 or 121 pounds at least.

I haven't bought myself the shoes but soon I will. And I guess I'm just going to choose basketball shoes instead, since my old ones are dying. My budget is around 40 bucks and I think it's going to be worth it for a 6 month use. After that, I'll be free from the practices. Fun.

Normal Intake Day

Why? Because I'm planning to nearly fast for 2 days in a row tomorrow. Since my parents will be gone in the weekend, I guess I can have a lot of reasons to eat less than 100 calories each day.

Anyway, today my caloric intake is normal, in fact I think it's more than expected. I thought it would be like 1500 calories but I realized it's going to be 2000 by the time I finish my dinner. I'm kinda feeling bad, but I know this is going to make me lose one pound by tomorrow. Well, most likely it.

If you eat a lot after your super low calorie diet, it's going to help you lose one more pound by the next day. I found out when I was in a strict 500 calorie diet for 2 weeks then binged for 2 days in a row and then I weighed myself, terrified of gaining weight, but I lost 1 pound instead.

I don't know if it's going to work this time but I'm sure I'll be just fine holding my hunger for 2 days in a row. In fact, I hope I won't feel hungry at all though with the help of my rubber bands. I'm hoping to lose one more pound on Monday before I start practicing basketball every single day in the week.

Fasting

I've been fasting for many hours now, still the first day though. And not planning to fast tomorrow, since I've reached my first goal weight. I'm gonna try to keep it off the rest of these 2 weeks. Gonna still watch my caloric intake, and do more workout after I eat.

The technique where you have a rubber band on your wrist and snap it everytime you feel hungry works really well. It makes me think that hunger is pain and I really don't feel like eating at all. So far all I've had was half a cup of water to relieve thirst that doesn't really come often like usual. I didn't feel like eating at all although today I had Christmas celebrations at school.

I weighed myself earlier before I took a shower and I was so happy that I weighed 121.5 pounds. That's just so awesome. Then after I got dressed and weighed myself again, I hit 122.5. I wonder if it's because of the clothes or I just gain weight by walking to my parent's room. I was wearing sweatpants and shirt though.

Why do people have to tell me I'm getting skinnier or I'm too skinny? Are they jealous? Fuck you. Stop telling me what to do, what to eat, what to think about myself. I know what I really am and how I really look like. Don't even try to get into my thing. Fuck off.

Fuck You French Fries!

Basically, I ruined my diet today. Fuck it. I hate myself. I feel like these french fries are gonna turn to fat overnight, and it will be dead hard to burn it off. It's like once I start eating, I can't stop. Fuck. Why did I even have to start eating a bite in the first place?

Such a failure. I've been good until school was over but then the Student Council Organization held a Christmas Celebration for Ground Staff. It was a huge success, I have to admit. But a huge failure to me. I ate like 50 sticks of french fries with 245 calories in total.

So my total calorie intake for today is 483 calories, with light exercises around 238 calories. I honestly don't care how much is the net calorie or how much I exercise. I only care about my intake. It has to be less than 300. I ruined it. I'm such a fat faggot. Look at the mirror and all I see is fat.

I don't know if it's a blessing or what, I can never purge. Regardless how much I eat or drink, I can never purge. I did take laxatives, but I realized it has done quite nothing for me but the constipation relieve that can actually lead to prolonged constipation problem. Trying to hold your hunger is way easier and more effective than using laxatives.

Okay. An update. Fuck. I'm eating 2 pieces of this traditional pie. I can't stop now because it's literally my last chance to eat today. And tomorrow. And possibly the day after. I raised my calorie intake to 585 for the day. Fuck my life. Fast tomorrow.

Progress

It's the second day and I feel like I'm fine. I think I kinda cheated on some intakes, like I didn't count grapes because they're fruits. And fruits don't make you fat. I had a really boring day and I felt fatigued the whole time.

So today I had to skip my half portion of hard bread for lunch because I ate few bites of french fries. But I think it's fait enough since I kinda replaced my carbs and fat intake on quite the same calories. But still I'm feeling fat all over my tummy with the french fries being digested. Ew.

My total caloric intake today roughly is 261. I have a deficit of 1240 calories and I weighed myself earlier and the scale shows a pretty good result. I'm dropping to 123.5 pounds right now, one step closer to my goal weight, 122 pounds.

I realized I can lose 1 pound in 2 days by being good, not depriving myself but still keeping everything really low and make water as my company everywhere I go. I finish one cup of water everytime I eat no matter if it's lunch or snack, a piece of bread or half piece of bread, I always try to make myself feel fuller and eat slower.

Earlier I just set my mindset, if I'm going to run in the morning, I don't need breakfast to speed up my metabolism. If I don't run in the morning, usually because I'm going to have basketball training in the evening, then I'll have breakfast like coffee and something light to jump start my morning and burn more calories the whole day.

I think I can knock 122 pounds down by Friday morning. I want to lose it earlier though, but since I know I'm going to have a lot of day-offs afterwards, I think I'll be fine with losing slowly. As long as I don't gain weight, everything should be alright.

300 Calorie Diet

This is the first day of my 300 calorie diet for the week towards my first goal weight, 122 pounds. Actually I've got like 2 weeks before the due date but I might want to start now, just in case I have to eat in the first few days before I leave for Christmas break.

I hate it that my parents always check on my foods. That's why I got to be very sneaky in acting like I've eaten a lot and I don't need too much food for lunch. I can't help but to drink a cup of coffee with one creamer and two sugar every morning, to give me the full feeling before the break at school.

Basically my intake will be distributed more for lunch, since I divide my lunch into 2 sections. One for each break once in 3 hours. And I drink a lot of water to make myself fuller with less solid food portion.

I also do at least 30 minutes of running when I have nothing to do the whole day but school, and basketball three times a week, burning around 600 calories per session. I think it helps a lot in lean muscle building and fat burning.

What I had today was a little more than expected. I thought this one hard bread only have 80 calories per piece but actually it was 150. I saved 80 calories though just in case I had it all wrong, and for today my total caloric intake will be 288. I ate 5 pieces of shelled dry roasted peanuts in the last minute. Fuck. I have 1500 calories remaining for today, so I should lose 1 pound by tomorrow or the day after.

The Beginning

Honestly I hate my life most of the time. Not because I don't get enough attention from my family or good friends, it's just that I feel like I can't stop eating once I start munching on something, although I don't starve myself.

I used to be like super fat, and I didn't realize that. Last year until the middle of this year on June, I weighed around 150 pounds and I felt just okay because I've never really know how it's like to skinny in my whole life. My friends kept on telling me I looked fine so I didn't really bother about my weight loss or gain.

Then this life-changing thing happened. I went to the Netherlands with my friends for a conference and I literally didn't eat for days. I was way too excited and didn't even feel hungry at all. That time I was sitting on the public computer seat in the hostel and this friend told me, "Dang, you're skinnier!" I didn't realize anything at all.

After I got home I weighed myself and I dropped nearly 25 pounds to 128. I was so surprised when I saw my collarbones and spine kinda popping out. But it was literally the best feeling ever. I started to get compliments for my thinner figure. It was recognizable because I lost a lot of muscles and my face also looked more narrow. They say I looked like a chopstick since I'm quite tall for girls my age, 5 foot 8.

That is when it all started. I realized the need to keep on being skinny and forget all the food. I feel like I don't have to eat to survive and then I dropped my food intake to around 700 calories a day. It was quite extreme since I used to eat normally. I didn't eat white rice anymore, I skipped meals. My goal was to stay thin but I lost control and lost more weight until my lowest was nearly 121 pounds.

Laxatives helped me. Before I took it I would weigh around 124 then after it worked like a hurricane, for real, it made me feel way lighter. I keep on taking it since few days ago, until I was starting to see it made me binge more. I tried purging though but never succeeded. My eating disorder is revolving around being anorexic and kind of bulimic.

I'm being the slave of running on the treadmill. I can spend like everyday, every morning, running on that goddamned thing. I feel tired, sore, but I also feel like I have the need to be skinnier. I promised myself 4 days ago to stop taking laxatives and try eating healthy and take 1200 calories a day. But I'm failing right now.

I deserve to feel hungry. I deserve to feel the hunger pangs just to make me feel better. I'm not going back to taking laxatives if it's not needed, since my parents watch what I eat, and when I don't they yell at me, and I'm going to have the 300 calories a day plan for a week.